Three steps back, One step forward

July seems to be slipping by far too fast. I am disappointed about not entering the July derby even though it was the right decision to hold back and focus on Shiraz's training right now. The good news is training has all gone really well, possibly even better than expected.

My daughter has been asking to come to the barn to ride (!!<3!!:D)

After my trainer ride there has been quite the turn-around in Shiraz. I'm still skeptical going into each ride but again and again I manage to ride in a way that Shiraz interprets as effective (no small miracle! good pony!), and I have moved on to working on real things besides spook management.

The trainer is still scheduled to ride once a week, I am riding most of the other days, plus I have a once-weekly jump lesson with coach B, with a couple of other riders.

It has felt so good to work on details and be absorbed in the flow of it all. Despite the success though, not all rides have been good, and yet others have been phenomenal. I mean, one day I was happy to plod along on my sweet, happy pony doing w/t/c with long flowing strides activated from behind and the next day she was a tight little firecracker that jigged and wiggled the first half hour of the ride.

Honestly I would like lazy, ploddy pony to show up just once to the scheduled jump lesson. My coach doesn't even believe she can be that horse yet 'cause she's never seen it.

On my own I have been working on very low-height grids and lots of ground poles. Whether Shiraz picks up her feet and thinks versus step on all the poles/knock down the jumps is all hit or miss still. She does not seem bothered by whacking into poles or tripping and almost eating dirt. I am not exactly sure how to address this besides continuing to put in the work and rewarding her when she makes good choices. I am seeing a pattern though in her training where she tends to shut off her brain when shown new things, bobble through throwing out wrong answers, hoping the question will just go away. Then a shift where she starts to show obvious signs of thinking first and suddenly gets the exercise and does the thing. I am hoping as she matures this whole tendency to "shutting off" to new things will happen less as her confidence increases.

Rushing jumps is her new thing this week in our jump lesson. It was our first time cantering to verticals with no ground poles and she became far too worried about how to get from A to B. Her solution was just bulldoze through at mach speed and ignore my half halts completely. I am not too worried about it though and know she just does not have enough grid time under her belt with placing poles helping her to see a take-off point.

I thought I was half halting like crazy up to this but...

We will keep on practicing grids and single jumps with the placing poles and the eye/muscle memory for where to take off will come. When I am riding grids on my own I am trying to practice giving her the pace and line, and then leaving her alone so she can think about her feet for herself - not always easy when you are riding a horse that comes into a line of poles making bad choices.

At any rate, I am really happy where we are at. Just this past January I was riding a very green horse that had no concept of anything beyond w/t/sometimes canter/sometimes buck. I am kind of amazed how fast she has come along in such a short time. I have decided to enter Willville Horse Trials in August. As it is an EC sanctioned event, cost will be much higher than our local derbies. It is also about three hours away. I don't trust my older truck for that kind of trek so have found someone who will trailer Shiraz for me. I'm already feeling 'mom guilt' though -- three days away from hubby and kids, spending way too much money on my 'little horse hobby'...It's going to be awesome!

Making Plans into Action

First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words. This has been such a difficult time, I have not been able to talk much about her without falling apart. I think it was good for me to write a little bit about my mom and remember those times.

 

In the past two weeks I only saw my horse once, just to hang out and let her eat grass in the yard and shove many treats in her face.

Always happy to see this beautiful face coming to meet me at the gate <3

Before the large break from riding I left off in not such a great place with Shiraz. Her spookiness while riding was really becoming an issue. I had been doing a lot of ground work and we were solid with that--she could be completely relaxed and capable of doing anything I asked in any part of the arena. Unfortunately as soon as I mounted and tried riding simple trot circles, she would spook at all things outside of the arena. Some spooks were simple and easy to ignore and carry on, but others were much more difficult to ride such as her drop back/spin 180 degrees and bolt routine. It is easy to say just ride on like it never happened, but once I tip over into the scared zone, that is difficult for me.

So coming back into riding I decided to find help. I decided to ask the trainer I had sent Shiraz to last year for canter work if she would be able to come over and do some training rides. Luckily she agreed!

The first training ride was last Thursday. She brought her western saddle with her in case things got interesting. I told her about all the issues I was having and what areas of the arena were the biggest issues. She took Shiraz right to the most troublesome spot and began ground work and worked her in circles probably about 50% more intense than I would typically ask for. It was very cool watching her work. The trainer remained calm and soft, and could get Shiraz's full attention and "yes ma'am" reaction without appearing aggressive.

Meet Jose, the cutest Welsh pony that shares Shiraz's paddock. His tiny 4-year-old rider is even cuter :)

Trainer then mounted up and repeated the small circles and figure-eights in the same area. She wasn't doing anything fancy or groundbreaking--just demanding good shape and an active trot. Not once did Shiraz flick an ear to the outside of the arena.

So basically it is not my horse. Its me. (fall on floor crying like a 2-year-old WHYCANTIRIDEBETTER?!?!WAAAA!!!)

But then the good news is, its me. I can fix me. (sigh)

In talking with the trainer, the takeaways were basically demand more from Shiraz and get her attention every step right now. She is young and in that oh-so-fun teenage phase and will be questioning whether she really has to listen. She suggested setting up lots of activities to focus on rather than boring large circles where her mind can easily shut me out. So, lots of poles of random heights and distances, changing up what I am asking for often and demanding better of what ever it is I am working on. For example, if I am asking for bend into a corner and it is not quite what I was looking for, then circle back and make that corner better so Shiraz starts to understand she has to participate fully and kindda bending with a popped out shoulder is not going to cut it.

I came back the next day on my own to ride. I was certainly a lot more messy and obvious in my attempts to keep her attention. Annnddd, there was still some ear action to the outside of the arena (we have a relationship with established sloppiness that will take work and time to change) but I am happy to say I was able to ride her with much more intention and NOT ONE SPOOK. Yaasss!!

Shiraz was so chill after the ride that I had no worries letting my daughter get up for some leading around.

I am going to have trainer back a few more times over the next few weeks and also plan to start back with the Wednesday lesson group for jumping.

I know this year in her training isn't going to be all daisies and roses, but I am feeling cautiously optimistic about liking riding again.

The long, slow goodbye

The hardest week of my life.

On June 18th, my mother had a stroke. On June 24th she left us.

My grampa holding me on the white pony, Fury and my mom holding my hand.

Holding her hand for six days, crying, hoping. Coming together with family, fighting with said family, letting go and coming together again and again. Singing, brief sweet moments of laughing (forever cherished). And then flooding relief.

My mom's horse Princess as a yearling and me derping hard front and center, lol

I wanted to honor her here because she was a horsewoman. She is the reason I now ride.

She grew up with horses as I did. Her parents always had many. My mom rode and trained many horses when she was younger. By the time I came along, she no longer rode much at all but ensured her daughters did.

She was a perfect show mom. Sewing western show clothing for my sister and I, making sure we were entered in every town fair we could drive to. She never tended to our horses at shows: even as a little girl I was responsible for unloading my pony and getting her settled in a stall, feeding, watering, grooming.

At home I was allowed to 'play' with the horses on my own from a very young age. Either hanging out in the pasture with the herd or taking my pony off on an adventure with my little backpack of snacks for the journey--my mom allowed us to learn horse behavior and discover how to stay safe independently.

Mom had a special connection to my horse Shiraz. Even as her dementia progressed and she could not always remember 'that brown horse's' name, she would tell people about how Shiraz would stand quietly and let her pet her nose endlessly.

My mom's passion for horses spilled over to me and all three of my sisters. She never forced us, but also never asked us if we wanted to have a horse or go to shows :) It was just a given; life in my family includes horses.



Derby Weekend: Day Two

You would think that a sport like cross country would be a sketchy choice for a confirmed anxious rider. I mean, galloping over uneven terrain at solid jumps takes a certain level of insanity confidence and hopefully skill?

As I have neither skill nor confidence, what exactly am I doing?

To be honest, I am having a blast when I'm out there. And at starter level 2'3" jumps it is pretty okay not to have much skill. Really, just point your horse at the little log and even if it doesn't go well, at least your horse can just walk over it if all else fails.

Blurry screen shot but definitely smiling!

So going into Sunday's derby I was feeling pretty optimistic (perhaps even hoping to be a little competitive!). Well, that was until dressage.

We warmed up rather well and I was feeling kind of excited. This would be Shiraz's very first judged dressage test. My goal wasn't lofty -- just try to find a good trot and concentrate on correct test. As we began walking around the outside of the dressage ring for our turn though, things unravelled quite quickly. The temporary ring had been set up tucked into the corner of the cross country field next to the trees. The wind was blowing and the branches were making usual branches-in-the-wind noises. Shiraz seemed pretty sure the forest was full of bears. She started prancing on the spot and I began to struggle to get forward and up seemed like a possibility. Then we came around the corner (still outside the arena trying to do the usual lap before the bell) and in her prancy state she decided people in lawn chairs trying to watch some dressage were actually wolves about to eat her alive. As she unravelled I just could not. I hopped off before it got any worse and scratched from dressage.

In a slow walk of shame, I led her back to my trailer and deliberated over whether I should scratch xc too or just hope for the best. I waivered a few minutes but heck, I was here. I knew xc would probably be okay. I was going to do the thing.

Coming in hot! ...or mildly lukewarm, lol!

I had entered two starter rounds of xc. The first went really well, but we trotted quite a bit in the beginning. She handled every jump really well and galloping cantering slowly up the hill to the final jump and finish line, I was just so pleased with Shiraz and glad I had made myself do it. Our second round was even better and we were able to increase the pace a bit.

After completing the starter courses and seeing Shiraz do so well out there, I can really get a picture of how things will be once we are through this green stage. She is a good horse. I just need to be patient, and pace myself for my own confidence-sake and keep building on what we have.

In my happy place, and I think Shiraz agrees :)

I was considering meandering through this summer without a clear-cut itinerary. To heck with that. I need a plan. Charts, graphs, a support team. All of it. I do better with goals and coaching.

Derby Weekend: Day One

As per usual, our derbies consist of a "meet the fences" practice day followed by derby the next day with dressage and xc. On Saturday the plan was 11:00 a.m. group lesson on the cross country field, then take pony back to the barn and come back for my volunteering slot at 1:00 to paint xc jumps. Unfortunately when I pulled in at 10:00 a.m. I was told my coach had something come up and my lesson would not be until 1:00.

Practicing in the cross ties. Wiggly pony is not amused, but patience is a virtue she needs to learn.

Alrighty then, I really did not want to ride anyways so no big deal. The day was starting out cool with a misty-rain so I left Shiraz in the trailer and headed off to help set up flags for the derby. It was good in the end - I got my mind off being anxious for a bit, although I was wearing my paddock boots and half chaps and they were soaked through in no time.

It mostly stopped raining by lesson time. I had saddled up and lunged Shiraz by the time everyone else in my group arrived. They all rode their horses down the hill to the second field while I led my pony following behind. Coach was fantastic assessing the situation even though I said I was doing great with a big smile plastered on my face. She gave the group a talk about not leaving any horse behind, to be mindful of other riders, aware of green horses and buddying up when we change locations.

Look! It's Savvy on a distance ride! <3 Her new owner sent me this yesterday. She is doing really well with her new job and her owner loves her. How could she not though right?!

Shiraz has not had much experience riding with other horses and she gets occasionally worried about other horses coming towards her. It is especially worse when a horse is cantering near her - she will do this little on-the-spot freak out and scoot sideways. At one point a rider came up too close behind us and she kicked out at them. I gave her a firm whack with my crop for that one. Ugh, mare.

As I kind of expected (and really hoped for), Shiraz settled nicely once we started jumping. We covered just about every starter jump out there and she never hesitated. It felt fucking fantastic. We even went through a deep ditch which a lot of the other horses were having trouble with.

By the end of the lesson, I was feeling much better about the derby, heck really about riding in general and my future with this horse. Perhaps I might just eke out a bit of fun this weekend after all? 

Getting off the bus of struggles

I'm sort of in a downward slide confidence wise. I have been out every day since I moved Shiraz to the new barn and most of those visits involved a lot of trying to talk myself out of being nervous.

The outdoor arena is great and should be no big deal. Shiraz is actually doing quite well. She is only a little up, but can relax and walk with a long stride or stand still (which never happened once the entire time at barn#1). In the trot though she gets very up and is thinking 'canter now?' the entire time.

But the problem is not her. Its me. My last ride was completely uneventful and Shiraz obliged with walk/trot circles and over poles without any spooks at all. Except the entire time my heart was pounding out of my chest.

Really I know I just need to rebuild the good experiences to tip the scale back in balance. There were a lot of stressful moments riding-wise these past few months with Shiraz showing some serious ninja moves during spooks. I also know from past experience that stress from my life usually spills over to cause riding anxiety, and ya, things have been pretty stressful.

Proof to myself that I can toodle around a xc field and live <3

But I also have the great experience at last month's derby and I am holding onto that like Dumbo's feather. I have the next derby this weekend. Currently I cannot even walk/trot circles in an arena without total panic. I am kind of just hoping it all falls together though like it did last time? Shiraz is a really good girl. She loves to jump. Yes, I might ruin her but I am trying really hard not to.

I almost decided to cancel my entry in the derby, but... I know it doesn't take much to tip my confidence back in a more positive direction. A few great jumps on the xc field can go a long way for making me remember I can ride and that riding is fun. So, I am making a plan to halt this downward slide.

First, I need to remind myself just how green Shiraz is and how amazing she is doing already. Comparisons are my friend in this case; it took me two and a half years to get Savvy and myself to the point of being able to go to a derby. Shiraz went to her first derby 10 months into training under saddle and killed it.

Second, I have to try and focus on positives in training and remember how great it is to work on the details and problem solve while riding. I'm so caught up in being mad at myself for being nervous that it translates into frustration and disappointment. I am going to try to acknowledge my fear but then redirect my thoughts to actual training. If I am stuck at the walk because of anxiety, then I'll just work on something at the walk and make it the best walk it can be (and fix my position while I'm at it).

Well, that is what I'm hoping to try today anyways. :)

A New Journey

Welcome to the new blog!

So many changes in such a short time. Soon I will be moving to the new house and Shiraz is now at her new (and final) barn.

I have let go of a lot which was difficult, but I am excited for the future and what Shiraz and I may accomplish. It seemed fitting to start fresh with a blog designed just for Shiraz.

My plans for her are not laid out in detail in my mind, which is very unlike me. She is young but doing very well with everything we try. The loose plan for this year is to attend the monthly derbies which started last month and continue to October. For the June derby we will be entering starter level which maxes out at 2'3". We will also get to try our first dressage test at this derby.

Shiraz being gorgeous while her new friends chase to say hello.

For now life is consumed with downsizing and packing. Shiraz settled into her new paddock well and seems to get along with her new herd mates. The first ride in the outdoor arena was completely uneventful and she was a relaxed, happy horse (thank goodness!). I might take lessons or perhaps just toodle along and see how things go on my own for a bit.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like there is no need to rush and make progress. Shiraz definitely has much to learn (as do I!) but it all feels achievable with time.